Monday, 12 December 2011

I Am Lazy; and Other Issues

I believe I have mentioned before that I am lazy. If not, I will mention it again: I am lazy. This is the reason why it has been such a long time since the last issue of Cherrypicked Hands came out and why there is still no sign of the next issue bumbling onto the horizon. It is because I am lazy.

But I am here to make a promise - the next issue is coming soon. This is a promise, and I very rarely break promises. And on those rare occasions when I do break, I break them gently, and with love. But rest assured this will not happen this time.

How long, I hear you say. How long till the next issue will be out?

Two weeks max, I reply, with a self-satisfied smirk. Two weeks. Just in time for Christmas.

Talking of Christmas, have you got all your presents yet? I haven't. I haven't even got one. I am bad at buying presents. I lack imagination. I also lack motivation to buy the presents. This is another side-effect of the laziness issue I mentioned earlier.

I am going home to spend Christmas with my family. I will probably get drunk, and no doubt I will make a fool of myself. I may even argue with my girlfriend. She will probably argue with me. And then we will, hopefully, make up, and live happily every after.

Anyway, I am getting sidetracked. I will stick to the point, and the point is this: Cherrypicked Hands #5 will soon be with you. I know you are all eager for it.

On second thoughts, I very much doubt you are all eager for it. There are not many of you, I know, and yet it helps my pride and my mental well-being to pretend that there are lots of you, all eagerly awaiting the next important dispatch. I see you chomping at the bit, as my grandmother used to say. I see you in the streets, marching, rioting, demanding the next issue. I see you in a crowd outside 10 Downing Street, telling Mr David Cameron that he is ruining the country; that he is a smug so-and-so; that some kind of nice revolution is needed and needed badly; that he should get out of office and get out now; that his policies are nothing more than presents for his rich friends; but that all will be forgiven if only he is able to speed along the arrival of Cherrypicked Hands #5.

I apologise for the political nature of that last statement. I don't know what came over me. Again, I am getting sidetracked. I believe I better go now.

It is raining. It gets dark now at about 4 o'clock. It doesn't get light until about 8 o'clock. There is not much daylight left in the days. If you plan to read Cherrypicked Hands #5 after 4 o'clock, you should make sure you have a candle, a torch, or an adequate electrical lighting system that is provided by the National Grid. Because it is coming. It is coming soon.

I hope you are all having a lovely day.

Send my regards to your family.

Lots of love,